


Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,123

by crazyoldhermit



Series: Obi-Wan Kenobi: Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit [38]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 10:44:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7505185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyoldhermit/pseuds/crazyoldhermit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The satirical saga continues, as Obi recovers from having his hut blown up (while still in it), and the search for three bounty hunters begins. </p>
<p>www.ramblingsofacrazyoldhermit.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ramblings of a Crazy Old Hermit - Day 1,123

TATOOINE - Day 1,123:

I would advise, whenever possible, not to be in your domicile when it blows up. I realize, like in my case, it can't always be avoided. For instance, when that a-hole, Boba Fett, launched his back missile without any kind of warning. 

I know that forming attachments is not the Jedi way, especially when it's material possessions. But those bantha lovers destroyed nearly everything I owned, which wasn't much. Not only did they destroy my residence, but then they had the nerve to go through whatever had survived. I felt totally violated. 

I later discovered that they had taken Mace Windu's lightsaber back. I say "back" because Greedo had given it to me as some kind of peace offering after Mace fell to his death, for the second time. Now I don't like the idea of a lightsaber floating around somewhere, but I was greatly relieved that they hadn't taken Anakin's. That one I'm saving for Luke, and if they had taken it those bounty hunters would be in some deep poodoo. 

Boba Fett claimed to be working for someone named Kilgore. What a stupid name! If it turns out to just be a combination of "kill" and "gore", well as Chewie would say, "that's lame, man." Eventually I will have to find out who this individual is and assess his threat level. And I will definitely need to find out what he wanted a lightsaber for. 

As a result of the explosion, for two days my hearing felt like everything was underwater. My headache still remains. Chewie, Luke and I gathered up whatever we could from my flattened hut and brought it to Mos Eisley. We figured that no one would be looking for us in the belly of the beast. Plus, Chewie and I were both concerned with how Bossk knew where he was, and why he went from hunting Wookiees to stealing lightsabers.

We checked into the cheapest place we could find within the city limits. The Mos Eisley Motor Inn was as raunchy as it sounded. It had hourly rates, a heart shaped tub, and a thin layer of goo over everything. There were stains on the sheets, stains on the floor, hell, there were even stains on the ceiling, and in every color of the rainbow. Luke enjoyed using our credits to make the beds shake. It was all I could do to try to keep him from touching everything. I used the opportunity to instruct Luke in the ways of the Force, trying to get him to move things with his mind instead of his chubby little four year old fingers. 

"Toys!" Luke exclaimed, as he was held up objects he had found in a secret drawer. They were toys alright, but not the kind for children. Chewie scrubbed Luke's hands until they nearly bled. 

We decided to hunt down the two weirdos who lied to us about another Wookiee being on Tatooine. So Chewie placed Luke into the backpack he made out of my old Jedi robes, and we headed to the Cantina. 

We were shocked by the amount of Stormtroopers that now patrolled the streets. I was even more shocked when Owen Lars came running up to me. 

"Where's Beru, you bastard?!"

"It's nice to see you too, Owen."

Owen was slightly distracted for a moment by the size of Chewbacca. "Cut the crap, Kenobi! Where's my wife?"

"I thought she told you that she was going off world for a while."

Owen face grew redder by the moment. "She said she was taking Luke with her! Yet, there he is on that things back!"

I looked at Chewie, then back and Owen. "You might want to watch yourself, Lars."

"No!" Owen's head looked like it was about to pop off his shoulders, then the empty skin bag would zip all around the street making obscene sounds until it finally splatted onto the ground. "What have you done to Beru? Did you get her killed during one of your silly battles, or did you get bored of her and kill her yourself?"

I shook my head at this pathetic man. "We're done, Owen."

He blocked our way and spouted out, "We're done when I say we're d..."

Chewie let out a massive roar and Owen spun around on his heels and ran away. I had never seen that fat jerk move so quickly before. 

When we entered the Cantina, Chewie and I split up. As I made my way through the crowd, it wasn't long before the one with the crooked nose and the space walrus guy spotted me and headed for the door. Chewie was there to prevent their escape. 

Before I could say anything, Luke pointed at the one with tusks and yelled, "I still don't like him!"

"And I'm sure Mr. Baba still doesn't like you," said Cornelius 'Crooked-Nose' Evazan.

"Never mind that, mynock spooge! You lied to us and nearly got us killed." I was irate.

Cornelius attempted to play dumb. "My associate and I did nothing of the sort."

I grabbed the man by his robe and shook him, desperately wanting to smack his nose back to its original position on his face. "You sent us on a wild Wookiee chase, which ended up with us running into a bounty hunter! Now, who paid you off?!"

Cornelius smirked, "Listen bub, I have no idea..."

I pushed him up against the wall, surprising him and the space walrus. "Tell us what we want to know, or my rather large friend here will take you both outside and rip your arms off. Then he'll proceed to beat you to death with each other's arms." 

Ponda Baba snorted something at his friend. 

"Okay, okay," Cornelius agreed. "We were approached by..."

He was interrupted by the sound of Owen Lars yelling, "That's the man, sirs!"

As two Imperial Stormtroopers approached us, Cornelius and Ponda took the opportunity to flee. 

"Citizen, what is your name?" The electronic voice of the Trooper sounded somewhat similar to my old Clone Troopers, but had a slightly different pitch. 

I wasn't dealing with clones. 

"I am Ben, and I assure you that there's been some kind of..."

"I don't need your life story, Ben." These Stormtroopers were more assholey than my Clones. "Let me see your identification." 

Sitting in Chewie's backpack, Luke waved his hand and said, "You don't need to see his identification."

Both Stormtroopers tensed their bodies. "We don't need to see his identification," they said in unison. 

Now I waved my hand and said, "We will be going about our business."

"You can go about your business," the Stormtrooper's electronic voices echoed. 

As the three of us made our way outside, I glanced back to see Owen shoving a Trooper and yelling, "You idiots, he used the old Jedi mind trick on you!"

The last thing I saw as the Cantina doors slid shut was the two Stormtroopers taking Owen into custody.


End file.
